Managing challenging conversations around tinnitus
How to respond assertively and compassionately
When we live with tinnitus we can feel a lot of shame and guilt around the condition. We may also see our self-esteem dive as we struggle to articulate the effect that tinnitus has on us. This is especially the case when our tinnitus distress impacts on friends and family.
This can be for myriad reasons. We may be reluctant to spend time in noisy environments. We may not want to travel like we used to because our tinnitus reacts to road noise or the sound of airplane engines. We may not want to have the TV on or music playing in the house, or conversely, we might use these as a masking strategy, and want them on more often, much to the annoyance of our partner.
Whenever health conditions enter into relationships there is always a need for adjustment from everyone. Your circle of family and friends may not understand why there need to be changes to activities or your (and their) lifestyle. And we may struggle to explain why, given that this a is new and often distressing experience for us. Add to that any guilt we feel for the way our tinnitus is adversely affecting those we love, and it’s no surprise if we are lost for words.
So, here are some ideas for responses in challenging conversations with friends and family. I’ve tried to make them mindfully assertive. We did not ask for tinnitus, but equally they didn’t ask for it to become part of their lives either. So these responses are compassionate to everyone.
I hope they are helpful.
Challenge 1: it can't be real if the doctors can't fix it
Tinnitus is definitely real. It may take place in my head, but it’s not imagined. Specialists have confirmed I have it, even if they can’t touch it, feel it or cure it. While there may be no cure now, there is a lot of money being ploughed into research to find one. Until then I am doing the best I can each day to manage it well, and I would love your support to do that.
Challenge 2: you look fine to me
Like many chronic conditions, tinnitus is an invisible illness. So, yes, most days I will look fine. But that’s often because I’m really good at wearing a mask so that I can live as normal a life as possible, and people don’t worry about me. If I didn’t wear this mask, there would be days where I would struggle to function at work and at home. I don’t want to hide all my feelings from you, but I also don’t want to overwhelm you.
Challenge 3: if you did it yesterday you can do it today
Tinnitus alters frequently. The pitch, volume, tone, and type of sound can change from minute to minute, never mind from day to day. So while I might have been happy to sit in a noisy café yesterday because my tinnitus felt manageable, that won’t necessarily mean I can do so again today. I try and do as much as I can so tinnitus doesn’t define my life, but sometimes I have to say no. This is one of the major challenges with tinnitus I have had to learn to accept and work with.
Challenge 4: you’re always changing plans – you’re unreliable!
When we plan to go somewhere I want to go there as much as you do. But between the time we made the plan and the event coming round a lot can change. I might be exhausted because I’m struggling to sleep with my tinnitus. My tinnitus might be feeling more intrusive than normal. We might have gone to a noisy event the day before and my tinnitus has spiked. I’m as frustrated as you are that I can’t go. If I possibly could, I would.
Challenge 5: it’s just an excuse not to [insert task or activity here]
I wish I could go and watch Jonny at the basketball game. But from experience I know the sound in that enclosed space could spike my tinnitus for days. By asking you to go instead I’m being practical and realistic. I’m very happy to take the children to other activities where I’m more comfortable with the sound levels.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” Lao Tzu